Tags
baby, boats, daughters., death, emma watson, faggots, for, fucking, god, incest, killing, mastabation, meat, my, porn, russel crow, sex, tits
Eisenstein
Based on the New York Times best seller in the fiction category and from the director of that ballet film I regrettably watched with my parents comes 2014’s Noah.
Hunter
It was mainly a fantasy with this giant man in the sky or something who gets mad at the world so floods it only saving two of every animal. There was also this sensible bit with evolution and science but it didn’t last long.
Eisenstein
While I’m not very familiar with the source material (I only did it in my C of E school play and I was Cow #2) but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a story of hope. This was a very bleak film.
Hunter
Emma Watson warmed it up though. At the start she’s got a barren vagina so her boyfriend could go bareback without any fear of unplanned kids. Then she gets touched by Hannibal Lector and she’s up the duff.
Eisenstein
You’re looking at it from the wrong perspective.
Hunter
No I’m not. And this other lad, Noah’s son or something, only wanted a shag so in the end tries to kill his dad for dooming him to a life of wanking. Fair enough.
Eisenstein
On a less vulgar note I would like to talk about the cinematography, if I may? It was very beautiful and elevated the film to a more biblical quality. I especially liked the modern war references in the silhouette montage. Also I reckon this was set in the world of Pokémon. The stone body guards looked like Gravellers and Onix. The injured mammal at the start was a Sandshrew. And I swear I saw an Ekans.
Hunter
What are you on about?
Eisenstein
Oh nothing.
Hunter
Right. Well let’s talk about some plot holes. First of all those animals got on the ark in a stupidly organised way. I’ve been on short haul flights with more commotion than that.
Eisenstein
Good point. While they did excuse the lack of an animal death match with this toxic gas that put the animals to sleep, they would have to wake up when it hit shore. Also there cannot be enough water to cover the entire surface of the globe several meters deep, conservation of mass, its physically impossible.
Hunter
And this is an issue I’ve had to deal with a lot: inbreeding.
Eisenstein
What?!
Hunter
Not saying that I ever did shag my sister, it wasn’t proven. But you townies always accuse us farmers of keeping it in the family. That’s stereotyping.
Eisenstein
But it actually would have to happen in this film for every single species to survive. Any biologist would tell you that such a massive reduction of the gene pool is detrimental to an animal’s genetics. Mutations would occur and they would probably not survive.
Hunter
This movie has got a lot of plot holes for a book with such a cult following.
Eisenstein
That and the ending that goes on for forty days and nights really brings it down from its blockbuster type action. And for that I’ll give it a 6 out of 10.
Hunter
Amen to that brother, 6 out of 10.