My Normal (2009) Masked Criticisms Review

Eisenstein
So the rules are simple; we watch a film at random, then we talk trash about it. This is Masked Criticisms.

Hunter
And this week we’re watching a lesbian movie!

Eisenstein
It is honestly completely random, we use an online random generator and-

Hunter
Lesbians!

Eisenstein
Before we get into the review I would just like to say that we here at Masked Criticisms are equal opportunities critics. Everybody has the right to make a bad film regardless of your sexual orientation.

Hunter
But put in some girl on girl action and you get a free pass from me. All the babes in this film were an 8 out of 10 or above so there was always something nice to look at.

Eisenstein
Eye candy aside this film really didn’t have enough story to fill its meagre 75 minutes. Seriously there is so little plot that they had to pad this film with exploitative sex scenes.

Hunter
What you talking about padding? That was the main event. It’s like saying that Die Hard was padded with action scenes or Jaws was padded with shark. This movie is pretty much a soft core porno with some boring Sex-and-the-City-type plot.

Eisenstein
That’s just my point. This film is significantly more boring than it has any right to be. It explores the dominatrix sub-culture from the women’s perspective – which should be interesting- but it does it so shallowly that it appear fake. It wants to be boundary pushing with gratuitous sex and casual drug use…

Hunter
And the attractive ginger…

Eisenstein
But feels so sugar coated and outmoded. The neo-feminism approach is a bizarre take for a 2009 film that it out dates the whole movie.

Hunter
Yeah the feminism bit was way too forced. I get that bitches wanted to look superior or equal to men or something but in the end I was just insulted. I guess that’s why I would never get into the dominatrix culture. I prefer to do the fucking rather than get shit shove up my…

Eisenstein
And another thing this film doesn’t truly portray is the LGBT world. All the women were, as Hunter said, 8 or above so I was just wondering where the butch ones were. There was one nice bloke but he was gay, every other male was a prick or got sodomised.

Hunter
I wouldn’t want to see that though. This film is about sex and wardrobe malfunctions, by the way there is some nip action in this.

Eisenstein
As I said, exploitative sex.

Hunter
So overall I’m going to give this movie a 7 out of 10, it was stunning but also kind of boring. Maybe they could have cut out all the dialogue, now that felt like padding. For a lesbian film it did have a lot of men getting fucked in the butt.

Eisenstein
Realistically this film gets a 5 out of 10 from me. I would not recommend you watch it with your parents, it could lead to a very awkward evening.

http://youtu.be/cVmwoxteW50

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Along Came Polly (2004) Masked Criticisms Review

Hunter
So the rules are simple; we watch a film at random, sometimes it’s good… mostly it’s not. This is Masked Criticisms.

Eisenstein
This week we have a typically generic Ben Stiller rom-com; Along Came Polly. He plays an uptight awkward insurance statistician who after a rather misogynistic opening-

Hunter
Yeah she was a real bitch, fuck her.

Eisenstein
After a misogynistic opening finds himself alone, and seeking the meaning of life, when what do you know Polly comes along.

Hunter
Played by the lovely Jennifer Aniston, the most groin-tingling member of
Friends.

Eisenstein
Did you now Ben Stiller cameoed in an episode of friends?

Hunter
No one cares. Aniston was also great in We’re the Millers, you seen that? It’s great, she does a strip tease. Twice. But here’s my issue with Along Came Polly, no one that hot would dress that trampy.

Eisenstein
Well she certainly outshined Ben Stiller who was going for the same character he plays in most of his films. The real star here though was the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Hunter
He was hilarious, hard to tell if he was acting stoned or he really was just fucked out of his head. Either way he looked like he was having a blast. Alright, Eisenstein is giving me some weird looks when I mention Hoffman and drugs, but as long as I don’t mention heroin…

Eisenstein
Come on, it’s too soon.

Hunter
What? I’m honouring him, he was great comic relief in this, drugs just made him funnier.

Eisenstein
Hmmm. Really though it’s a testament to the film that he was the comic relief, Along Came Polly is supposed to be a comedy, yet it mostly wasn’t funny.

Hunter
There was the ferret that kept walking into things, so yeah.

Eisenstein
Ben Stiller’s character was more pathetic than humorous, and Jennifer Aniston didn’t have any good lines that I can remember.

Hunter
A lot of toilet humour too.

Eisenstein
The film also had to build up to it, as if diarrhoea is the most hilarious thing in the world. What it ended up with was a cross between The Notebook and an Adam Sandler film.

Hunter
We’re talking early 2000’s Adam Sandler, not his classic shit. Also the conclusion to this rom-com was bland.

Eisenstein
I thought it was sweet.

Hunter
You would. *whisper* Queer boy.

Eisenstein
What did you say?

Hunter
I said five out of ten.

Eisenstein
Oh ok. I’m going for six out of ten. It’s very light hearted but forgettable, perhaps a good date movie.

Hunter
But you aint gonna watch it with your bro’s.

Back to the Beach (1987) Masked Criticisms Review

Hunter
So the premise is simple, we watch a film at random, sometimes it’s good… mostly it’s not, this is Masked Criticisms.

Eisenstein
I think from the title alone one can tell which of the two basic categories this film belongs to.

Hunter
If you mean it was shit, then yeah it was shit.

Eisenstein
Now let’s not be too hasty. Back to the Beach is a comedy film from the 1980’s that spoofs surfer pictures from the 60’s. It follows two old film stars that return to the seaside to relive their glory days and embarrass their hip kids. This film is part of a series, but honestly I had no idea until just now when I looked it up on imdb.

Hunter
You wouldn’t need to see the others to understand what the hell was going on. It was so random and unpredictable and yet cliché at the same time. I guessed the ending ten minutes into the film, however I would never have imagined Pee Wee Herman to come out of nowhere to sing surfing bird then literally fly away, but that mind fuck certainly happened.

Eisenstein
This whole film had a lot of set ups for cameos but I guess we’re too young to recognise any of them. Except, that is, for OJ Simpson. Not the film makers fault, I mean they couldn’t have guessed he’d kill his wife, but it did really date this film. Along with a whole pile of other 80’s clichés; skateboards, waist high thongs, surfing, bad hairstyles…

Hunter
…cocaine…

Eisenstein
There was no drugs in this film.

Hunter
I meant the director.

Eisenstein
That would explain the lack of choreography.

Hunter
Oh yeah, I kind of forgot it was a musical, I suppose that’s a good thing though, I can’t stand musicals.

Eisenstein
You liked Frozen…

Hunter
Another thing I have to give this film credit for is that everyone in it is fit, not the main family, granted, but everyone else is fuckable, sadly no BBW chicks though.

Eisenstein
My main problem with the characters is that they were all wannabes. The punks who were supposed to be intimidating looked like pantomime Sex Pistols.

Hunter
… and since it’s on a beach the girls are in thongs. I’m not usually a fan of those really long 80’s thongs but some of those chicks, man.

Eisenstein
Yes well, anyways, what it all comes down to is an out dated film laughing at even more out dated films, unfortunately it really doesn’t hold up as I can’t tell what’s an 80’s cliché is and what’s a 60’s farce.

Hunter
I was thinking of giving this film a 6 out of 10 just for the babes alone, but Eisenstein here says I have to rate the entire movie as a whole so I’m gonna have to say 3 out of 10. It’s not so much a beach party, more of a tsunami of shit.

Eisenstein
What a poetic analogy to end on. 4 out of 10.

http://youtu.be/tiPqNVdjwO0

The Edge of Love (2008) Masked Criticisms Review

Eisenstein
Beyond the edge of darkness, after the edge of tomorrow, and nowhere near the edge of reason is the edge of love.

Hunter
I’d call you gay or pretentious but that was nothing compared to this artsy movie. I’d try to explain the premise of this film but I’m uncertain about what it wanted to be. First there’s lads on the pull during the Second World War, then they add wives, cheating, poetry, swinging, fighting, blah blah blah.

Eisenstein
You’re kind of right. Scenes just come and go with no reason, and leave no impact. What the film finally focuses on is the lives of women during the war, but I can’t honestly say it is a story that needs telling. Poetry seems to be an important aspect but isn’t essential to the plot. A lot of films nowadays seem to just throw in poetry if they want it to appear smarter than it actually is. Hell, it worked for Sanctum.

Hunter
Every now and then, when it looks like there’s going to be action, they edit in some old stock footage because it’s obvious the budget couldn’t stretch that far.

Eisenstein
To be fair, that did keep with the tone of a romantic drama as opposed to an action film. And the tone itself isn’t that bad. They use a lot of silhouettes and sepia tone filters to give it a real nostalgia vibe, along with an authentic 1940’s soundtrack, in which we do hear the lovely Keira Knightley sing in a gorgeous Welsh valley accent.

Hunter
Yeah ok there was that, and I’m not gonna lie, the cinematography was good. Maybe I’m just asking too much for something to fucking happen in the movie. A bomb goes off at the thirty minute mark and it looks like it will pick up, someone dies at least, but they just get on with their lives as normal.

Eisenstein
I disagree, that moment had a good juxtaposition of life and death and showed the true hope civilians had during tragedy in those times. However the thirty minutes leading up to it can be missed, because, yeah, nothing truly does happen.

Hunter
Or the whole film. Scratch that, there was one scene where it perked up my interest.

Eisenstein
I think I know the scene you’re talking about.

Hunter
Hell yeah you do! The lesbian sex in the bath tub. Enough said.

Eisenstein
They didn’t actually-

Hunter
Some great nipple action going on.

Eisenstein
They didn’t show any nipples.

Hunter
Yeah they did, it wasn’t Keira Knightley, it was the other chick, and it was only for a brief second. You were probably looking at the wallpaper or some shit.

Eisenstein
I didn’t see anything, and I don’t think this is the sort of film that would show nudity. While it is artistic, it’s not naturist artistic.

Hunter
For all the other sex scenes – and there were a few – it followed the clichés of fading out or panning the camera to an open window. Why would a love film be so scared of showing the act of love making? It makes no sense.

Eisenstein
Because we aren’t the target demographic. It feels like an adaptation of the stuffy books my grandma reads, in fact I bet if we were sixty / seventy years old we would have enjoyed this film. For that reason I can’t bring myself to rate it too lowly, so I’ll say 4 out of 10.

Hunter
I may not be the target audience, therefore I found it boring as fuck. 3 out of 10.

Georgia Rule (2007) Masked Criticisms Review

Eisenstein
So the rules are simple; we watch a film at random, and talk about it.

Hunter
And so we’re stuck with the dramedy Georgia Rules.

Eisenstein
How would you describe it?

Hunter
Crap, but I’m guessing you want the story outline.

Eisenstein
Just a brief synopsis for the audience, please, before you tear it apart.

Hunter
So there’s three generations of bitches that all hate each other, but you’ll only care about the slutty teen whose played by Lindsey Lohan. Then it takes a bizarre dark turn and becomes almost a murder mystery, substituting murder for rape.

Eisenstein
Bizarrely dark tonal shifts indeed, I don’t believe they dealt with the issue of incestuous abuse in a respectful manner.

Hunter
Great casting of Lohan as the slut though, there’s one scene in a boat where she takes her knickers off, it was too dark to see but I’m sure if you paused it, zoomed in, and turned up the brightness you may be able to see some stinky hairy muff.

Eisenstein
Regardless of your celebrity nymphomania, Lohan has the voice of a puberty stricken boy. It’s not just her, but everyone in this film needs to retake acting lessons. And then there’s script which does nothing but highlight the poor acting.

Hunter
My favourite line being, “We didn’t kiss, she only sucked my dick!” (chuckles)

Eisenstein
Or how about, “don’t hit me with fish.” Just in a more retarded voice. Any good points?

Hunter
To be honest it did hold my interest. The mystery of the did-she-didn’t-she get raped thing is original for a family comedy. Also the slut verses the Bible belt America banter was hilarious.

Eisenstein
Perhaps the director was trying to use a colour scheme to prove her innocence for those scenes. She always wore white and that’s what a costume designer would go for. Red and blue were used for different sexual scenarios to say something but I have no idea what.

Hunter
Why were you looking at what she was wearing? All I noticed was the exposed cleavage on everything she was wearing. No real girl flashes their nips around the house on a lazy Sunday, but at least it appeased the male viewers. For that reason, I’m saying 6 out of 10.

Eisenstein
If that’s all you’re looking for in a film sure. But realistically let’s say 5 out of 10.

Edge of Tomorrow (2014) Masked Criticisms Review

Hunter
In Edge of Tomorrow Tom Cruise plays Kenny from South Park and teams up with that chick from Looper in an alien war against hentai rape tentacles. But it’s less sexy than it sounds.

Eisenstein
So you’ve probably heard people compare this to Groundhog Day or Aeon Flux, but really I must say its inspiration comes closer to video games. Cruise is stuck in a level of Halo with zero checkpoints and tutorial.

Hunter
With no loading screens and the ability to do whatever the fuck you wanted, yeah I would love to play that. I bet he had some fuck around days where he just got pissed, nailed some Soho hookers and killed people who pissed him off in the past before taking his own life like a pro.

Eisenstein
I couldn’t tell if this was more pro-American jingoism or respectful to the UK, because while there was a lot of great British actors, it did have an America helps England – hint, hint – World War II vibe.

Hunter
And the Brits sure did fuck over Tom Cruise.

Eisenstein
However, what I’m about to say, I mean in the most sincere way possible. This is pure concentrated Hollywood.

Hunter
Let me see… Big A-lister lead… 3D… sci-fi special effects… explosions… family friendly humour and violence…

Eisenstein
And we didn’t have to suffer a contrived romance. The film had both male and female protagonists but the director didn’t feel the need to make it a love story.

Hunter
Nah, I’d have preferred it if they just banged. The bitch was fit but you only get to see her in a tank top. There was some arse but it was fat hairy man arse, and I don’t think even Eisenstein liked it.

Eisenstein
No. The only thing I believe wasn’t right was the audience pleasing ending. I won’t spoil it but they had the option to take a dramatic route but they pander too much and use BS science to deliver a happy ending.

Hunter
All the science bullshit, I really didn’t care for, but I guess they had to explain the respawning better than, I don’t know, fucking magic.

Eisenstein
Even though they over explained the resurrection (perhaps there’s a Christ metaphor there, but I didn’t see it) there was still some stuff that didn’t make sense. Tom Cruise would sometimes know stuff about people I can’t fathom he would ever know, not without reliving it a billion times.

Hunter
Plus they skipped over a lot of blood shed but overall it was awesome. 8 out of 10.

Eisenstein
I’ll agree, 8 out of 10.

Godzilla (2014) Masked Criticisms Review

Hunter
Godzilla sees a three way battle between everyone’s favourite meth dealer, two flying horny monsters and the mother fucker himself Godzilla.

Eisenstein
While this is perhaps the second American remake, I must say it is rather respectful to the original source material by setting half the action in Japan.

Hunter
Oh it was set in Japan, was it! I thought that Godzilla was always in the distance or it was a sunny day because people were always squinting. My bad, they were just Asian.

Eisenstein
I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Anyway, by only revealing the reptilian kaiju after the one hour mark, only showing his trail of destruction, harks back to classic monster movies such as Jaws. Which I loved!

Hunter
Pretty damn boring though. You just want to see Godzilla fuck up cities with his giant dick like a two dollar whore but they only show you the jizz stains he leaves behind.

Eisenstein
In a way I can see what you mean. I’ve heard a lot of people compare this film to last year’s Pacific Rim, and the comparisons are justifiable. Godzilla, however, replaces Pacific Rims cartoony action for emotional scenes and character development. Bryan Cranston gives his best performance since breaking bad, but unfortunately he isn’t in the film for long enough.

Hunter
That Kick Ass kid is no real replacement for Heisenberg.

Eisenstein
True, he isn’t the best actor, but he has put on a lot of muscle since the first Kick Ass film. He plays the character kind of blandly but he is a marine and so actually it does make sense.

Hunter
Well, we’ll see how he does in Avengers 2, I doubt he’ll be better than the Quicksilver from X-men: Days of Future Past.

Eisenstein
Kind of getting of topic here, I would like to say that Godzilla did have a weird narrative.

Hunter
You mean like the moth monsters destroying the world because they want to bang. I mean, it’s fair enough.

Eisenstein
No. We’ve already mentioned about there not being enough action, but the first act is surrounded in so much mystery, it feels slightly unnecessary.

Hunter
Yeah, the movie’s called fucking Godzilla. We know there’s going to fucking be a fucking Godzilla some fucking place.

Eisenstein
And there’s quite a lot of bait and switch tactics, which can be good, but in here seemed annoying. It sounds like I’m bitching a lot now, but it was too clichéd as well.

Hunter
Like the obsessive scientist that’s so busy he forgets his own birthday.

Eisenstein
People being blind to massive destruction until the camera reveals it.

Hunter
Radios giving away someone’s position when they’re trying to hide.

Eisenstein
Birds flying into windows for a jump scare.

Hunter
Still, was alright though. I’ll probably give it a 7 out of 10, though the 3d was below average.

Eisenstein
Ah, 3d never works with shaky cam. But all in all I did really enjoy this film, so I’m saying 8 out of 10.

Transcendence (2014) Masked Criticisms Review

Hunter
Transcendence is the story of a man logging his brain onto the internet so he can control anything in the world, yet he neglects what any normal bloke would do…

Eisenstein
You mean porn, don’t you?

Hunter
I mean porn!

Eisenstein
Well, it’s certainly nice to see Johnny Depp not in Tim Burton’s old Halloween costumes. In Transcendence he plays a rock star scientist, akin to an intelligent version of Fear and Loathing, dedicated to creating true AI, rather than taking copious volumes of drugs.

Hunter
That’s not as fun though. Now I assume this film was set in the future because none of that AI crap is ever used in Call of Duty. NPC’s always act like such noobs, yet a Johnny Depp computer is able to take over the entire real world.

Eisenstein
Let’s say it is set in the future, for arguments sake. And those servers they used must be greater than any used by Infinity Ward, Johnny Depp computer never suffered lag or disconnections. But regardless, this film does pose some great ethical questions, unfortunately it just gets lost in unbalanced script.

Hunter
It asks the same question as in Spike Jonze’s Her: can you fuck a computer?

Eisenstein
I don’t think you… just no. Seriously though, I have to ask myself would I upload my brain to a computer if I was dying? And I don’t think I would. You see, I would still be dead, I would still experience death, a computer replicating my thought patterns is not important to me at all, because it would not be my consciousness.

Hunter
And how about this, it was all about playing God, except he was better than the real God because he actually healed people with magic dust.

Eisenstein
Good point, yes.

Hunter
And you can’t fuck a computer.

Eisenstein
Not really, no.

Hunter
I don’t know why he’d want to shag the overly attached girlfriend meme anyway. She wasn’t that fit.

Eisenstein
Hey, don’t be mean to Rebecca Hall, she’s lovely.

Hunter
I thought you were gay.

Eisenstein
And that’s all we have time for. Final opinions?

Hunter
It was alright, I’m a say 6 out of 10 since there was too much science crap.

Eisenstein
8 out of 10. Well, it’s a shame this film did tank at the box office, because there aren’t many intellectual blockbusters any more. If you want to see more Transformers sequels then be my guest, but I won’t be joining you.

The Amazing Spiderman 2 (2014) Masked Criticisms Review

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Hunter
Spiderman 2 tells the story of a regular teenage boy who can shoot white sticky stuff from his wrists while thinking about Emma Stone. What makes him a superhero is this kid can swing on his stuff, I just mess up my tube socks.

Eisenstein
Come on, that’s gross.

Eisenstein
Well since it’s the most marketed film of the year, I guess we should talk about it.

Hunter
Yeah, it was alright. I mean the pacing was fucked up and the trailer ruined the whole damn movie, but all in all it was alright.

Eisenstein
I must say that this film had much less action than I was expecting. And a whole heap of angsty teen melodrama.

Hunter
Way too much angst. Everyone was angsty in this. Even Aunt May and the villain kid.

Eisenstein
Dane DeHaan? He’s a good actor and I would like to see more of him… but unfortunately he always plays the same character.

Hunter
He is just a moody cunt. Whether it’s a rich moody cunt, or a poor moody cunt, or a gay poetic moody cunt. The dude needs to stretch himself, get some range you moody cunt.

Eisenstein
Good point, but could you tone down the language a bit please.

Hunter
Fucking hell, we haven’t talked about Emma Stone yet! She is nice as a blonde. What I don’t get though is why girls in films find stalkers attractive. Miss Stone, on finding out Spiderman has been following her, snogs the lucky bastard. I always just get restraining order.

Eisenstein
Okay… And Jamie Foxx as Electro, what about him?

Hunter
The dub step guy?

Eisenstein
Yeah. I believe someone in the marketing department thought, “hmm, what do kids like? Oh yes, dub step.” And so there it is, which leads to a rather unfitting soundtrack in my opinion. Now the character of Electro reminded me of a combination of Dr Manhattan from Watchmen and the hero from Infamous.

Hunter
Nah, just a loser Smurf. What this film does teach us is that lonely people should never be given power.

Eisenstein
Oh, that’s very self-aware. Finally I want to talk about the special effects.

Hunter
Too cheesy and over used, done.

Eisenstein
That does remind me of a quote Tarantino said, “If I’d wanted all that computer game BS, I’d have gone home and stuck my D in my Nintendo.”

Hunter
Did you have that written down?

Eisenstein
Of course, I came prepared.

Hunter
That’s sad. Spiderman could of use his powers to trap and rape girls but doesn’t the wanker. 7/10.

Eisenstein
I believe that’s too high. Because of the poor pacing with the emotional climaxing being in the second act, I’m giving this a 6 out of 10.

Hunter
By the way……… Fuck you Stan Lee!

Noah (2014) Masked Criticisms Review

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Eisenstein
Based on the New York Times best seller in the fiction category and from the director of that ballet film I regrettably watched with my parents comes 2014’s Noah.

Hunter
It was mainly a fantasy with this giant man in the sky or something who gets mad at the world so floods it only saving two of every animal. There was also this sensible bit with evolution and science but it didn’t last long.

Eisenstein
While I’m not very familiar with the source material (I only did it in my C of E school play and I was Cow #2) but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a story of hope. This was a very bleak film.

Hunter
Emma Watson warmed it up though. At the start she’s got a barren vagina so her boyfriend could go bareback without any fear of unplanned kids. Then she gets touched by Hannibal Lector and she’s up the duff.

Eisenstein
You’re looking at it from the wrong perspective.

Hunter
No I’m not. And this other lad, Noah’s son or something, only wanted a shag so in the end tries to kill his dad for dooming him to a life of wanking. Fair enough.

Eisenstein
On a less vulgar note I would like to talk about the cinematography, if I may? It was very beautiful and elevated the film to a more biblical quality. I especially liked the modern war references in the silhouette montage. Also I reckon this was set in the world of Pokémon. The stone body guards looked like Gravellers and Onix. The injured mammal at the start was a Sandshrew. And I swear I saw an Ekans.

Hunter
What are you on about?

Eisenstein
Oh nothing.

Hunter
Right. Well let’s talk about some plot holes. First of all those animals got on the ark in a stupidly organised way. I’ve been on short haul flights with more commotion than that.

Eisenstein
Good point. While they did excuse the lack of an animal death match with this toxic gas that put the animals to sleep, they would have to wake up when it hit shore. Also there cannot be enough water to cover the entire surface of the globe several meters deep, conservation of mass, its physically impossible.

Hunter
And this is an issue I’ve had to deal with a lot: inbreeding.

Eisenstein
What?!

Hunter
Not saying that I ever did shag my sister, it wasn’t proven. But you townies always accuse us farmers of keeping it in the family. That’s stereotyping.

Eisenstein
But it actually would have to happen in this film for every single species to survive. Any biologist would tell you that such a massive reduction of the gene pool is detrimental to an animal’s genetics. Mutations would occur and they would probably not survive.

Hunter
This movie has got a lot of plot holes for a book with such a cult following.

Eisenstein
That and the ending that goes on for forty days and nights really brings it down from its blockbuster type action. And for that I’ll give it a 6 out of 10.

Hunter
Amen to that brother, 6 out of 10.